I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer.
My head always lost in the clouds.
Filled with my thoughts and emotions,
To afraid to voice them aloud.
And when my heart’s full and near breaking,
And all I can do is cry,
There’s no one around I can turn too,
To help me makes sense of why.
I know I have people around me.
I know physically, I’m not on my own.
But this heart’s so afraid of trusting,
And that’s why I feel so alone.
It could take me forever to show you
All the pain that I carry along.
It’d all become easy if you understood
The hell of where I came from.
I’m sorry I’m not always smiling.
I’m sorry I make you so sad.
I wish I could make it better for you,
And give you love like you’ve never had.
I know that I’ve made my fair quota
Of stupid and thoughtless mistakes.
I know of the damage I’ve done in my life
I know I’ve bred anger and hate.
But I honestly say with my hand on my heart
That’s I’ve never intended harm.
My heart’s just as open to hurt and pain
As I wear it upon my arm.
The minute I knew you existed,
My soul felt its first delight.
I couldn’t believe this gift I held,
And I didn’t sleep at all that night.
I carried you safely for 39 weeks,
Within my growing womb.
And I brought you into the world one night,
And a hush fell upon the room.
I watched you feed at my breast for hours
And stared at your beautiful blue eyes.
I stayed awake for you throughout the night,
To be there when I heard your cries.
But you didn’t make a sound, that night or the next
And sleep was a distant dream.
I fell ill with a fever and sweats
And all I could hear was a scream.
But silent you slept in your big white cot
Only stirring for one milk feed.
And there I stood with you in my arms,
The only thing I need.
I spoke to you as I fed you,
I stroked your soft dark hair.
I sang to you my lullabies
And swore I’d always be there.
And as you grew more beautiful,
The days and months rolled by.
I tried my very hardest
To not let you see me cry.
I worked all the hours God gave me,
To give you all that I could.
But it never seemed to be enough,
I never felt any good.
I’d finish my job at midnight,
Come home, not sleep, and then
I’d be up in the morning at 6 am
To do it all over again.
I cracked and I crumbled and fell apart
I had to get away.
I didn’t want you to see the state
I got myself in everyday.
Each second I spent away from you,
The worse I started to feel.
The pain was just unbearable,
My nightmare’s were all too real.
The days turned to weeks, then months, then years
And I tried every way I knew how
To keep the contact between us strong
And to avoid you hearing the row.
But your mind was tainted by others,
You felt you had to appease.
All I wanted was for you to be safe
And happy and not in need.
Then one magic day, It came to be
I got that shocking call.
He told me to come and pick you up
And I started to walk tall.
At last my girl was back with me,
I couldn’t believe once more,
That I had you safe within my arms,
Living behind our door.
I told you then we’d argue,
We’d have our ups and downs,
We’d get on each other’s nerves sometimes
And make each other frown.
But I also said we need to talk
To make to bad go away,
And I told you that I’d always be there
To listen to what you had to say.
So forgive my mistakes and listen to me,
My grown up babe in arms,
I may not be the greatest mum
But I never meant you harm.