Dear child, with love

I’ve always been a bit of a dreamer.

My head always lost in the clouds.

Filled with my thoughts and emotions,

To afraid to voice them aloud.

And when my heart’s full and near breaking,

And all I can do is cry,

There’s no one around I can turn too,

To help me makes sense of why.

I know I have people around me.

I know physically, I’m not on my own.

But this heart’s so afraid of trusting,

And that’s why I feel so alone.

It could take me forever to show you

All the pain that I carry along.

It’d all become easy if you understood

The hell of where I came from.

I’m sorry I’m not always smiling.

I’m sorry I make you so sad.

I wish I could make it better for you,

And give you love like you’ve never had.

I know that I’ve made my fair quota

Of stupid and thoughtless mistakes.

I know of the damage I’ve done in my life

I know I’ve bred anger and hate.

But I honestly say with my hand on my heart

That’s I’ve never intended harm.

My heart’s just as open to hurt and pain

As I wear it upon my arm.

The minute I knew you existed,

My soul felt its first delight.

I couldn’t believe this gift I held,

And I didn’t sleep at all that night.

I carried you safely for 39 weeks,

Within my growing womb.

And I brought you into the world one night,

And a hush fell upon the room.

I watched you feed at my breast for hours

And stared at your beautiful blue eyes.

I stayed awake for you throughout the night,

To be there when I heard your cries.

But you didn’t make a sound, that night or the next

And sleep was a distant dream.

I fell ill with a fever and sweats

And all I could hear was a scream.

But silent you slept in your big white cot

Only stirring for one milk feed.

And there I stood with you in my arms,

The only thing I need.

I spoke to you as I fed you,

I stroked your soft dark hair.

I sang to you my lullabies

And swore I’d always be there.

And as you grew more beautiful,

The days and months rolled by.

I tried my very hardest

To not let you see me cry.

I worked all the hours God gave me,

To give you all that I could.

But it never seemed to be enough,

I never felt any good.

I’d finish my job at midnight,

Come home, not sleep, and then

I’d be up in the morning at 6 am

To do it all over again.

I cracked and I crumbled and fell apart

I had to get away.

I didn’t want you to see the state

I got myself in everyday.

Each second I spent away from you,

The worse I started to feel.

The pain was just unbearable,

My nightmare’s were all too real.

The days turned to weeks, then months, then years

And I tried every way I knew how

To keep the contact between us strong

And to avoid you hearing the row.

But your mind was tainted by others,

You felt you had to appease.

All I wanted was for you to be safe

And happy and not in need.

Then one magic day, It came to be

I got that shocking call.

He told me to come and pick you up

And I started to walk tall.

At last my girl was back with me,

I couldn’t believe once more,

That I had you safe within my arms,

Living behind our door.

I told you then we’d argue, 

We’d have our ups and downs,

We’d get on each other’s nerves sometimes

And make each other frown.

But I also said we need to talk

To make to bad go away,

And I told you that I’d always be there

To listen to what you had to say.

So forgive my mistakes and listen to me,

My grown up babe in arms,

I may not be the greatest mum

But I never meant you harm.


About Sunrise

I'm a writer and musician

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